Reason for Living, Reason for Dying
by silver-doe287
Summary: Balinor has been alone with his thoughts for too long...and then a stranger comes along. A 2-part companion to ep 2X13 The Last Dragonlord. Rating K  because of warning.
1. Reason For Living

**Good afternoon, readers! Whether you're new to my stories (yay, this one makes them plural!) or an old hat, my name is Olivia and I like Merlin. Yup, that just about covers it. ;) I love winky faces, smiley faces, reviews, Robin Egg whoppers for Easter, and not-burnt chocolate cookies. I also love you! Yes, I do mean you, reader. You know who you are…**

**Well now that I've thoroughly confused you (yet again, old hats!) I've decided to bless you with a 2-chapter story I wrote as an accompaniment to Merlin 2.13, the Last Dragonlord. The story is in third person present tense, something I NEVER do, so if it sounds absolutely terrible blame it on my lack of using present tense.**

**Hope you like it! :)**

**Reason For Living**

'The boy knows absolutely nothing,' is Balinor's first thought.

The boy fidgets as he speaks, trying in vain to cover up the lie that Balinor already knows is coming. The words pass the boy's lips, and the slight familiarity of the tone and the shaping of the words makes him angry. Does he look like a fool?

Something breaks inside him, and the utter loneliness Balinor has felt for too long breaks free as he shouts at the boy, tells him his story which is highly unnecessary but-he needs to know! This young man needs to know why Balinor has lived the way he has for too long, abandoning life and love to escape the fate that awaits him back in Ealdor! Uther's betrayal runs deep, and nothing can persuade him to turn his face towards Camelot and answer its plea for help. Camelot will fall, and it will all be because of Uther.

Uther and his hatred of everything good and pure in the world.

The way the boy speaks rings with a familiar pain-he almost hears the echo of Hunith's voice in his head, her mouth forming the words that the boy now speaks, and he finds himself wanting to help this man.

But no, he mustn't give in - not when the unabashed prince, not the slightest grateful, shouts at the boy (Merlin was his name) to not try too hard. The prince has given up hope, as he should.

But the boy brings up Gaius, and Balinor stops to think. It was Gaius who snuck him out of Camelot in the first place. Gaius who sent this boy to plead for help. Gaius who led him to Ealdor, and to the ever-eager young woman Hunith...

Merlin's eyes bore through Balinor's memory, a reminder again of the love he had once had. And it is this thought that compels him to sneak after the two men, his thoughts still unsure. Should he risk innocent bloodshed and give Uther what he deserves?

This answer, although slightly plausible, weighs on his conscience. He knows his answer.

They welcome him, and the relief on Merlin's face brings him a slight happiness that he hasn't felt in years.

Then comes the firewood - Balinor finds himself collecting damp logs for a fire with the boy, and he begins to suspect something as Merlin asks too many questions about forbidden magic. He's way too curious for his own good. He'll get himself killed with that interest.

Merlin asks about his father and Balinor stops. He senses the tension rising, the swell like an ocean's wave about to come crashing down on his shoulders. Something big is coming. Merlin mentions Ealdor.

"I grew up there," He says in a voice that means everything, and yet it means nothing to Balinor - yet.

"I know the woman," Merlin says.

"Hunith?" Balinor asks, feeling rejoice seep into every pore of his being. "She's still alive?"

'Thank God to Gaius for keeping her safe.'

"Yes. She's my mother."

First comes the shock, followed quickly by the lapse of pain. No wonder Merlin looks so familiar - Hunith's blood runs through him as sure as the sun.

But this means that she has moved on. He has been naive to think she would wait for him, and for this he offers her a begrudging respect - she has done what he can't: move on from him. She is his reason for living, for not giving up and letting the pain and loneliness seep through his being and poison his mind with suicidal thoughts.

"Then she married," Balinor voices quietly, letting his gaze fall from the wide blue eyes that look at him so intensely. "That's good."

"She never married," Merlin contradicts, a sad smile playing across his pale face. Balinor looks back, surprised to see the tension ease from his face as the swell pours over him.

"I'm your son."

**The next chapter will be up so fast you won't even see it coming! So hope you like it and will take a moment to read the next chapter too! Love you dearly!**


	2. Reason For Dying

**Welcome back to this cleverly named chapter – bet ya didn't see that coming! ;) This is the second part and continues right where chapter 1 left off, so you don't miss too much. For those who haven't seen the episode yet, I suggest you watch it because there is a MAJOR spoiler at the end (seriously, if you haven't seen the end of season 2 by now you need to find it. NOW.).**

**For those who have seen it you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I hope you like this part as much as you liked the last one, which could go many different ways!**

**Anyways, enjoy! :)**

**Reason For Dying**

The waves of emotion hide behind his full beard and deeply-set eyes as Balinor allows the information to wash over him in a tangled bittersweet mess. Hunith is alive, and he has a son - a boy who looks just as uncertain but hopeful as he, Balinor feels. He first is shocked beyond belief that such an occurrence could escape his notice. As a creature of the old religion, shouldn't he by right have felt something - anything! - if he were to have an heir to the powers of the Dragonlords?

After shock follows uncertainty, and it is with this emotion that he chooses his next words to say to the boy in front of him.

"I don't know what it is to have a son."

That sad smile continues on Merlin's face, on a face that is wise beyond his young years. The kind blue eyes tear up as Merlin replies with a hopeful shrug, "Nor I a father."

The smallest of sounds causes Merlin to jump and they both look at the prince, who doesn't pause but acknowledges them as he passes by. The alarm on Merlin's face pleads secrecy as he tells Balinor that Arthur mustn't find out about their relationship.

But Balinor is beyond this. The realization that he has a son who has found him and is standing in front of him propels him forward. He finds himself content, though still shocked, at the information he now has obtained. Merlin looks at him with a hope beyond hopes, and all Balinor can do to find a small gesture is place his bundle of damp firewood in his son's arms. They share a moment - just a moment - of smiles, each acknowledging their knowledge and thinking of a conversation that isn't meant to be started yet.

But inside his mind, Balinor finds comfort in the fact that he now has a son to share his bitter loneliness of being a Dragonlord with. Merlin is bound to have gifts of some extent.

With this thought in mind the father and son sit by the fire, waiting patiently but urgently for the unknowing prince to fall asleep. Balinor barely gives the young Pendragon a thought. His sole purpose has become the man sitting across the fire from him.

To pass the time Balinor begins to whittle, and it is a few moments of peaceful silence where they are both making sure that Arthur is really asleep so they can talk without limitations.

But the moment Merlin opens his mouth, Balinor again feels the sting of loss that comes from many situations involving his son. Merlin's approach to the conversation is abrupt and sharp: why hadn't he, Balinor ever returned to Ealdor?

His answer comes out like a well-rehearsed story, but the truth behind the words has lost its edge of clarity. He had left to protect Hunith, this hadn't changed, but why hadn't he returned when the heat was down?

Merlin, ever the optimist (just like Hunith, he noted sadly) offers a plausible excuse that might have let them stay together. Balinor immediately rejects the idea. It is poor thinking, but he doesn't like to dwell on the what if's of a situation. What is will never be rewritten.

Merlin seems to pick up on Balinor's dislike of discussing the past, so he tries to lighten the mood by speaking of the future. Hunith's optimism rolls off his son in waves, but Balinor, after living so many years of solitude, doesn't pick up on the mood, as much as he longs to dream.

So he does what he can to salvage the moment - he tells Merlin just how much like Hunith he is. All of the reasons can't be listed in a single conversation, however, but Balinor feels some comfort being in the presence of someone with her kinship. Her kinship and his blood.

Merlin broaches the next subject bluntly. This is something that Balinor feels comfortable sharing, because being a Dragonlord, whether or not he wanted it to become his life, has chosen to do so. When he speaks of his heritage he speaks with pride and passion, knowing full well that Merlin is drinking in his words. Merlin is next in line, both know this, but to hear the subject put into words seems to hit his son hard.

The time for sharing passes, and Balinor stands up to find his bedroll in the moonlit night. He knows he won't be getting sleep tonight, which is why he takes his whittling with him. Throwing the phrase nonchalantly over his shoulder, Balinor calls "Good night, son."

A long pause while he waits for an answer.

"Sleep well, Father."

His heart soars, but he silently continues to whittle the night away. When he finishes he places the carved dragon on a mossy stump next to where Merlin sleeps, before turning in and hoping that sleep will not evade him all night.

He wakes up to the sound of swords clashing and men yelling war cries. For the tiniest moment Balinor is stunned: the absence of people in his life has not prepared him for his first battle encounter. Nonetheless he stands up, catches a sword Merlin tosses, and goes to work. He's killed people before, and he's still handy with a sword.

His distraction lies in his son, who to him seems like he has known for all eternity. Merlin isn't the best with swords, a blind man can see that. So he tries to finish his opponent quickly.

He is almost too late. Merlin has lost his sword, and now faces impalement as a trophy on the opponent's side. Without thinking, without hesitating, Balinor jumps in front of his son, swiping the blade downward to prevent harm. The block is easily outwitted, however.

A sharp pain fires through his stomach and he gasps from shock. In a daze he sees his son wordlessly cast aside the opponent before trying to steady his small weight against Balinor's taller build.

Balinor is filled with a peace as he gazes into his son's eyes. Merlin was meant to face Kilgarrah, he always was, he realizes. The hurt and pain flashes across Merlin's face as he listens to Balinor speak. He doesn't want to accept his duty, but Balinor knows that his time is at an end.

"I know that you will make me proud," Balinor whispers to his son, his eyes drinking in the startling blue which is Merlin's eyes...Hunith's eyes.

And for a moment he can glimpse everything that Merlin had voiced the night before: he sees himself, Hunith, and Merlin living a normal life back in Ealdor. It is an Ealdor where he isn't being hunted and he isn't the last of his kind. He sees the future that he could have had.

He sees it and he believes it.

The face in front of him was his reason for living, Balinor knows. He reaches a hand up to touch the face and remember it forever, into Avalon and beyond. Now, the face in front of him represents something peaceful, something serene, something final.

Hunith was his anchor to life, and Merlin the gentle wind to take him to his next life, a welcome relief.

His reason for dying.

**Thank you everybody for reading! Now take a moment and click the link below that says REVIEW and you will get some burnt cookies. Because that's all I can make. I could probably do raw cookie dough... *ponders***


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